I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
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we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize