I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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