I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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