He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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