Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
