I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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