I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He? As in you personified your dick?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
