Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
