Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
