meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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