Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
