i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
