He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
