Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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