just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
