I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
