Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
