so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Welp...herpes.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
