Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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