I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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