I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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