I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
