My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills