is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
