sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
