Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
