I am puke
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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