Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
