I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
