That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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