the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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