I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
