I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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