Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
