Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
