come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
