i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
