my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize