weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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