Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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