She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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