don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
