Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
