I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?