apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Intervention is following me on twitter.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"