Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
