My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
