Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize