i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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