dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
