Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
