Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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