I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
