I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
