i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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