When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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