oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
