Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
