I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
