First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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