in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
