I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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