I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
if i died would you start the facebook group?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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