I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
